Honestly, I rather feel that impending sense of doom for no good damn reason and waking up in sweat thinking the world is going to end than taking my meds.
Yeah, I stopped my anxiety medication.
Feeling like a zombie for the past three months has been horrible.
It’s one of the reasons why I haven’t been showing up as often. I’ve been using the little energy I have to do the things that really matter, like being there for my clients.
The medicine I was taking worked wonders though, I felt calm, maybe too calm. I overslept. I didn’t feel a thing.
Anxiety is a bitch, also a signal that your body pushes out when something is off but you don’t know exactly how to solve the root of the problem so avoidance kicks in. Good ol’ fight or flight response.
Now that I’ve been off, I’m walking the earth with a brand new perspective.
I know I don’t have to be scared of everything, I will survive anyway as I’ve been for a long time. I’ve been doing great at being imperfect.
Now I’m entering my 32’s with full force, desiring to show up even more, although I’m not sure if it’s the caffeine talking.
Early in the year, I set myself a word to guide me: CREATE is my north, and for the last few months I’ve felt lost and tired, not wanting to create.
The worst part is feeding myself with thousands of people creating everyday online. That stupid comparison. It’s not for me, dawg.
I don’t want to feel ashamed or inadequate, I don’t want to compare myself to anyone else. It destroys me. I know that I’m capable to do my own thing, because I’ve done it before. The difficult part is to keep going when things get a little harder.
I’ve been tempted quitting the internet forever, not wanting to see any social media ever again.
But then I’m constantly remembering how important is to fill my world with creativity, learning that creativity is not linear and it isn’t an end goal either.
A creator’s day is not filled with infinite amounts of inspiration.
Somedays, I can tap into the pool of wonder and I feel great. Other days I feel like a hermit and not show anyone a word I’m saying because it’s just depressing, who wants to read that? Could anyone relate?
It feels lonely when what you read is everyone’s success, no one publishes their crappy days.
But I feel happy today, I finally feel alive. I don’t want to go back to the meds, but I know that happy days are limited, nasty times will come again, they always show up.
I embrace that I will feel down again in the future, and I know what to do when that happens.
I created a Anxiety Crisis Plan, a simple but powerful routine I can go back to anytime I feel it creeping:
- Social Media Detox to have some time with myself
- Cut caffeine to lower the tolerance
- Take meds because I need to chillax
- Write daily to understand wtf is happening
- Self-compassion and well being exercises to feel better about my day, some examples:
- Meditation such as affective breathing
- Gratitude to remember everything’s alright
- Optimism journal to lift my spirits
- Act of kindness because win-win
- Savour life aka chug a jar of Nutella
- Socialize and get out of the house
- Sleep 12 hours at a time
- Exercise even if it’s just walking
How are you doing today?
Btw, If you are on medication and wish to be off them consult with your doctor first.
P.S. I don’t give a fuck if this post is riddled with grammar errors, it’s my birthday and english is not my native language.
