The more I write, the more I get out of life
What’s possible when you dive under the surface? The ocean is vast, so the moment you step in, you see a whole different world. Could I create an alternative world for myself? Could I cultivate a space where I’m comfortable showing my true colours? A space where I don’t need to change myself or try to reinvent the wheel.
I know now that writing is like swimming. It’s how I invite myself to dive into the ocean, to go where the words are.
It is funny how journaling became my therapy. I would write down absolutely anything I wanted to remember when I was a kid. As I got older, I became interested in the cathartic effects of writing. This interest led me to write to understand myself, my journey through life, my hopes and aspirations.
“Words can be both a medicine and a poison” —Jessica Dore, Tarot for change
During last year’s yearly review, I decided to lead with curiosity. My hope for 2021 was to be an exciting discovery of perspectives. I wanted to follow my lead of intuition.
I asked many questions during my curiosity journey, acted upon inspiration, and took many notes. But at one point this year, I found myself lacking genuine curiosity. My journal felt repetitive. It seemed like I needed to learn something that I had not integrated fully yet.
Some months felt like they slipped through my fingers. Trying to go about a task so daunting that it was impossible to do. Feeling as if every step I took was a mountain I needed to climb to the summit.
I kept going through peaks of productivity and also through pits of despair. Through my weekly reflections, I wondered, “What is not helping me? What needs healing?”
Journaling my triggers felt like the right thing to do. I aimed to catch my unconscious behaviours with a magnifying glass. Wanting to understand them a bit more, I would take a moment to identify them and experience them fully instead of just walking past them.
Call me mother
The moment I get curious about a specific topic, I’m able to hyperfocus; learning about how trauma works were one of my favourite themes.
Going into an investigative journey, I got curious about what my inner children wanted to say. Which voice was strongest or most repetitive? I felt like a scientist examining a specimen under a microscope. It was fascinating.
The way I talked to myself changed when I started identifying which parts felt hurt, so I began bringing all that gentle re-parenting to them. If I’m the mother to all these children, then my desire is for them to live in a happy, functional home.
Some days, I met with my four-year-old inner-child. Other days, I would meet with my early 20’s inner-child. The more you grow old, the more you realize we are all children.
When I got curious about being more intentional with social media, I deleted the apps from my phone, reassuring my parts that it’s more than okay to take a break from social media for a bit. But the fear was still there, the fear of missing out. I didn’t want to feel shame for using social media or even prohibit it because my teen self would be pissed. So I negotiated with them: what if I could consume all I wanted except Mondays? Or what if I could scroll indefinitely but during certain hours? What about opening twitter but only on the desktop?
The more I realized it wasn’t a punishment, the easier it was to take longer breaks from social media and my phone in general.
Whenever I met my “I don’t understand why people take me seriously as if I’m not a total IDIOT” child, I would recall a TikTok in which a person got hired for a new job, and they ran to tell their parents about it, screaming “I HAVE THE JOB!” Their dad says, “Woah! They gave you the job right away in the interview?” And they reply: “Yes! I guess I’m just that good.” It warmed my heart.
It helps me remember that self-criticism isn’t helpful, and I’ve got to begin again, go back to the compassion, just like a meditation practice.
During my investigation, I asked myself questions like, “What would I do if I unconditionally loved myself? What would a person who trusts themselves do?” My answer was: I would look around my environment and be surprised that what is happening right now is a miracle and could end at any second.
It surprised me because it wasn’t related to any expectations for myself, which is the definition of unconditional love.
Most of us look at the world through expectations, whether about ourselves or other people that we should achieve X, Y or Z, or be a certain way. These expectations can become overwhelming and crush our capacity to show up in authentic and creative ways.
When can we allow ourselves to feel good about what we do? How do we allow ourselves to feel proud that we got out of bed and took a shower? How do we feel proud that we did anything at all? Without feeling the immense guilt that the time is ticking, as if staying in bed was time wasted?
Change is the constant
How many of you are like me, learning to love yourself, knowing that you are worthy of being loved? Worthy of being celebrated? As if you mattered? Because you do matter.
Our job as a human is to wake up, learning that this too shall pass. If things are bad, please, wait it out.
I believe being compassionate with ourselves could heal the world.
We all have fears, insecurities, and a million reasons why we can’t do something. But we all have our own unique story, our unique path. We must look after ourselves and remember that our voice matters.
The world is constantly changing, which is honestly scary. We must face and pay attention to the world to see what’s happening. We have to be advocates for change and equality and use our voices.
Life is not always kind to us. If we are not careful, we can lose ourselves in negativity and hardship. But there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that light is you. The world can be a better place. We can do better.
Writing things down allows me to cultivate my intuition, and I know there still are vast things to learn.
I encourage you to journal. It’s okay if you don’t write every day. Honestly, the point is not to write every day but to partake in the ritual of punching the keyboard. Let yourself be part of the process, and you will see miracles every day.
Start with what feels doable, whatever that means to you if you want to dive in. Start with one phrase, one sentence, or one word, but start for yourself again and again.
“Start” is my word for 2022!
22 is my favourite number. Not because of a specific age; it just looks like two little ducks! Something grandpa funnily says. Which reminds me, I’m turning 35 this year. And I swear my life does a 180 every five years. I only want to fuck it up in a good way.
I’m writing my book; I’m looking to become a citizen of Canada, working and organizing my consulting business, be present for my commitments, and keep most of my relationships in shape. Ah, but also go to the gym, still looking to be a dog mom—dishwasher every day. I swear to God that I would explode if I didn’t have a partner who cooks.
As you can tell, I’m already overwhelming myself with things that have not happened. So I begin again focusing on my true intention for the next few hours. It’s like a mindful approach to returning to the breath but with my projects, goals, and desires.
If 2021 taught me anything is, the good is right here. Bask in it. And if I can focus on the now and not anything else, we could achieve anything. There are no limits to how much you can achieve because each moment allows you to pause and start over.
Leave me a comment and tell me how you will use your journal in 2022?
